Friday, January 04, 2008

not so soon


One not surprising thing is that Failan is a great movie. Very moving stuff.

Recently, truth be told, I have been in less than tip top mood, often. Nothing too big of a deal. Just perhaps feeling a smidge emotionally fatigued, from being always shit on and so forth. The tough part here is that I'm no saint, I probably (certainly) fit most of the invectives lobbed my way, ie the asshole that people have said or thought I am. I totally get that, because I am fairly not friendly and not social. So I do my part by not seeking social activity. I do not call people just so I can be not friendly and just so, in the end, they can say I'm a jerk (for my not friendliness). It's a tad lonesome type of existence but not as unbearable as may be suggest by first blush.

The part I totally do not follow is other folks call me for one thing or another, and my being asked, I try to comply with that requested one thing or another, and I still (still) get slammed, in the end, for being a jerk. Stop writing me, stop texting me, stop, just stop. I don't ask to be contacted so that I can do a favor or so that I can "listen" or so that I can do whatever, and then still, in the end, get... hmm... I am repeating myself here. Anyway, stop calling me if you can't be fucking nice: is sort of what I want to say.

That's the smidge emotional fatigue part. And I don't mean to be a whiny bitch, because technically (in verifiable elevated degrees) I am a jerk/asshole/degenerate/etc, but I am not jerk/etc to a person who asks me for help and I actually help (or try to) when asked. And then, to make matters worse, these days, often, when most all is said and done, I apologize, too.

I should say that I do not do good apologies: I do not do apologies well. Another not surprising thing is I like James Joyce (though I only read his excellent earlier stuff). Here is a bad example why, from Portrait, Stephen talking:

"But I will tell you also what I do not fear. I do not fear to be alone or to be spurned for another or to leave whatever I have to leave. And I am not afraid to make a mistake, even a great mistake, a lifelong mistake and perhaps as long as eternity too."
Cannot say whether those lines articulated my sentiment or instead shaped it. Came across the novel so long ago that I do not remember. Pretty badass way of putting things, either way. I am not afraid to make a mistake. Do not be afraid to make life long, as long as eternity mistakes. And shouldn't the natural progression be something like: "I give bad, if any, apologies"?

Interestingly, one critic found in addition to evoking the defiance of a young artist, the quote hints of desperation and pride. Which is perfect! I may never have considered it that way, but I do gots way too much pride. Maybe I just connected to that aspect of the lines subconsciously. As I remember it, the quote was motivated by the protagonist/Stephen's refusal (which would make it a rejection) to take Easter Duty, which is sort of like going to church for Easter (and therefore rejecting the Catholic Church).

James Joyce notwithstanding, of late, what else should I be but all apologies. There is a not so attention grabbing story behind my change that will wait for another day - an evolution that I am not sure is for the best, but seems to be how the tide of my life wants to flow for now. So I say or write my awful, unsatisfying sorries to this or that person. Kind of humiliating but thank goodness for deep ingrained and well-reinforced low self-esteem. The apologies, coincidentally, never works. Well, an awful, unsatisfying apology has much less of a wagering chance to work. So maybe it's my bad, aqua seafoam shame.

Less widely quoted from Portrait is the parts that come right after the above quoted quote:
Cranly, now grave again, slowed his pace and said:
-Alone, quite alone. You have no fear of that. And you know what that word means? Not only to be separate from all others but to have not even one friend.
-I will take the risk, said Stephen.
-And not to have any one person, Cranly said, who would be more than a friend, more even than the noblest and truest friend a man ever had.
His words seemed to have struck some deep chord in his own nature. Had he spoken of himself, of himself as he was or wished to be? Stephen watched his face for some moments in silence. A cold sadness was there. He had spoken of himself, of his own loneliness which he feared.
-Of whom are you speaking? Stephen asked at length. Cranly did not answer.
A cold sadness. What a peculiar sadness that must be. Grave again Cranly should have answered, or be more direct, if he was referring to himself. Anyway, I love Portrait. Though what or how I may, if at all, identify with the novel is inapplicable to the extent that I am not an artist, I do not have a larger or greater calling/purpose in life. I read, that is about it. So what benefit would be gain from following hero Stephen's defiant words? Cannot think of any, aside from stoking my already bad attitude.

An ineffective apology and then what, - I sometimes figure that'd be the end of that. The other person doesn't accept it, stays steamed, and oh, then those divergent roads in the woods. Yet forked roads habitually recross, or inevitably, at times, it seems. A brand new call or text or email asking me to do this or that, again. Deeply ingrained and well-reinforced low self-esteem, of course, I do it. I totally want to add: sure, I did what you mentioned, so go ahead, get your rocks off, tell me that I'm an asshole. But I totally do not do that.

Not denying that I got me some reserved bitterness still, but for the most/whole part I let it drop fairly quick. Which however I may rationalize probably spells all sorts of seeded psychological issues that I (also) ain't getting into. I ain't much of a lover, unfortunately neither am I much of a fighter. What much am I? Anyway, I play along like we always get along.

Not speaking of Letter from an Unknown Woman, the Ophuls version, I did catch it recently. While there is a ton to be impressed with in Ophuls' super movie - if this is not an injustice - I will simply add that Joan Fontaine was kind of foxy in it, or as foxy as a in black and white, over 30 year woman can be. Joan was Lady Miriam's baby sister, or Olivia De Havilland for you Robin Hood haters, with their sisterly bond ruined, or perhaps ruined that much more, by some kind of Hollywood rivalry. Hopefully it was highly exaggerated. Cecilia Cheung was (and still is) a stone cold fox in Failan as Failan.

Who I do not know is a hottie or not is the actress in Once. I completely suck because I missed this movie when it was playing locally. According to the W.W. web, it now only plays in:

Market Square (Madison,WI)
Magic Latern Theater (Spokane,WA)
Laurelhurst Theater (Portland,OR)

None of which qualifies, in my case, as throwing distance local, Northeast lad I am. Anyway, I'm especially regretful as: 1) I like musicals (which this is) and would be interested to see how that cinematic forms adopts (or doesn't) with the jaded modern sensibilities; 2) I like new faces in casting, which so far the Once names are alien; 3) I like romances, which, come on, who doesn't? 4) the songs are reportedly toe tapping catchy; and 5) John Carney seems to be a hot (hot in the unknown-and-likely-never-be-known sense) director/writer worth looking out after. I missed it because for whatever reason when it played in probably the closest freaking theater (or second closet) to my tenement shit hole home this summer I could not find friends/people to tag along to the theater with, or specifically not find anyone to catch a Celtic romantic musical. I should have so caught a screening solo if no one else would go. Anyway, ignoring that it is out on DVD (I believe out already; feel free to go get the DVD and let me know if it is worth my hype), and ignoring I'm so hating Madison, Spokane, and Portland at the moment, and ignoring it's probably a quite modest and well-tread girl and boy meet to fall in love type flick, I'm holding out fingers-crossed hope that Once will get a revived playing prior to the big movie industry award season. I hope.

The whole point in mentioning Failan again is that one of the big lines in the movie is the heroine Failan writing to the not-exactly-hero Kangjae, "every one here is kind but you are the kindest of all." Which, depending on your cynicism comfort level, is not as simple as it sounds. For one, Kangjae had no kind intentions behind the perceived kindest of all act. In time or by the end (naturally perhaps), Failan's words trigger a (re)new(ed) awareness in Kangjae. Then, a Failan-like line for me came weeks ago (by now) as, "you are too sweet and kind. Thanks so much for this," for a really trifling thing I did for some person. And while my actions were backed by a helpful intention, sweet and kind would be a hardly on target characterization. Yet, I'm grateful, which as far as considering my often unappreciative and self deprecating nature, is as close to renewed awareness of self appreciation as it may get. Too sweet and kind, that someone said that, even certain offhanded hyperbole, at least the words itself, now expressed, exist. Not that I do not hear compliments often (well, maybe I - fittingly - do not), but in this case, it surprised.